Mourning and wailing, but praising God for the joy to come

James 4: 8-10 "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

I am currently going through this program called "Steps" at my church. It is described as an intense discipleship program. I knew it was going to be rough before I enrolled in the program, but I guess I didn't really think it was going to change much in my life. I have been living a life full of secret sin for a long time now. I pride myself on my self-reliance and my ability to not only protect myself, but those I love around me. I have always been defined as the agressive friend, the one who was not afraid to tell my girlfriends the boys they were dating were d-bags. I thought that I was being kind and I was going to save them from a storm of hurt. My need to protect those around me has been there since birth (I do believe that children are born sinful and that some sins are evident from a very young age). As a child I wasn't necesarily telling my playmates their lovers were disgusting, but I was the "mom." Trying to keep everyone out of trouble and telling them how they should behave. After Liana was killed, I felt an increased need to protect my loved ones out of fear that I would lose them too. I never once trusted God to take care of those whom I loved. I felt that He had not saved Liana; therefore, I could not trust Him to save anyone else I loved. I was controlled by pride. Not in the sense that I bragged about myself and thought I was better than those around me (although, I must admit I have struggled with that as well), but in the sense that I thought I could do a better job protecting myself and my loved ones than God could. This attitude led me down a very dark road.

I was/am the queen of pretending I am okay. I don't want others to worry about me because I know that they have their own worries to think about. I had to be the strong one. My strength is what was going to allow me to save those around me (yeah right).

 In Steps, we are learning (re-learning) that it is only God who can save us. If I was great enough to save myself, God would not have sent His son to die on the cross. We are learning (re-learning) that this is a sinful world, with people who are affected by sin just as much as I am. That is why people fail us. Why people hurt us. We are learning (re-learning) that man is not unforgivable, and that we as humans hold no right to withold forgiveness (that's a toughie). Steps is the most emotionally draining program I have ever gone through, which leads me to the verse I started this all with.

 James 4:8-10 ~~ "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

God loves me. I must put aside my fear of falling short of perfection (because I will fall short) and draw near to Him. When we draw near to the Lord, He does not pull away. He folds us in His arms and cradles us in His love. Forgiveness is there. We are sinners and we go to the world for our healing (double-minded). Here is the best part (you'll see): "Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom." This seems pretty awful at first glance. God wants us to suffer. We need to humble ourselves before the Lord, and to do that we must grieve over our sin. Mourn and wail over the desolate situation we are in. We have to stop pretending our lives are great and mourn over them. When we acknowledge how pitiful we are and our situation is, that is when we can fully humble ourselves before God and He can lift us up. Only when we mourn over our own sin can God come in and give us joy again. Then we can truly sing the worship song based off Psalm 30:

 "You took my mourning and turned it into dancing
  You took my weeping and turned it into laughing
  You took my mourning and turned it into dancing
   You took my sadness and turned it into joy"
 (Psalm 30:11-12 ~~ "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.")

Steps is possibly one of the hardest things I have willingly put myself through. I probably cry at least four out of the seven days of the week, if not more. I can feel the sinful part of me fighting the healing that God is doing. I will be praying for someone who I previously would never have considered praying for and words will leave me because my flesh is warring against the spirit. I spend my weeks emotionally exhausted from the battle that is going on inside my soul. It seems awful, but it's good...even in the suckiest of moments.

Sanctification (to be made more like Christ) is God's goal for all of us (1 Thessalonians 4:3 ~~ "It is God's will that you should be sanctified...") The road to sanctification is messy and painful. When someone has cancer they must undergo chemotheraphy. Chemo is not pleasant. It makes you sick and leaves you exhausted. The same can be said for sanctification, except that at the end of the sickness is God waiting to lift you up and share His glory with you. (Romans 8:17 ~~ "Now if we are children, then we are heirs -- heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.")

Life sucks, I'll be the first to tell you that, but there is hope. How great it is to have a God that is so much bigger than all of us and could condemn us just because He wants to. But He doesn't. (Romans 8:1 ~~ "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in christ Jesus")

Praise God!

Finding Hope in the Post Office

A couple of weeks ago I had(wanted) to deliver a few packages. As I was in the post office, hand-writing my addresses and waiting in a line for the woman behind the desk to weigh my gifts and put them in the pile of deliveries, I was overcome with thankfulness and joy.

 Everywhere we go people are complaining about long lines or slow connections. Even as I sit here typing this blog, I am convicted with being upset with my computer for not going the hyper-speed I expect from it. We bypass fast-food restuarants if they drive-thru line is too long. We leave restaurants that have a wait time of ten minutes or more. I myself am guilty of yelling at my cell phone because the Android apps don't work quite fast enough my my needs. Why are we like this?

 I remember when our home computer was a dial-up. *Dee dooo deeeeeee ehhhhhhhhhh* Yeah, you remember that. Thank God we're past that right? My pastor made a statement the other day stating that as each new technology is invented, another is needed. As humans, we cannot simply live with what we have. We always have to be improving and renovating - which isn't always bad, right?. We are incapable of making our lives better on our own. We take two steps forward and about five backwards. We cheer for the newest iPhone, but we know that after a month(week) they'll figure out there is something wrong with it -- back to the drawing table!

 In a world that is constantly relying on the next technological device, I am thankful for the post office. Sure, there are many things that we can send without every leaving our couch, but every now and then we must go stand in line. As I was in the post office, I was amazed that there were no annoyed faces or disastisfied murmuring. The clerk was humming a nice tune and was very friendly as she helped all of us.

 So YAY for the post office. It's a sign that we are not completely dependent on technology and we have not lost all patience for waiting in lines. I may start sending packages more often. :)